Know yourself, Self Knowledge

losing sleep sucks...but I guess losing in general sucks period. I lost her... we didn't make any decisions but you know when you lose somebody and I lost this one. its funny how one day you could be on top of the world and everything just seems to be goin right for a change...and then it all gets taken away. Like it all jus seems to slip away, but you never let go and its gone. sometimes I wonder whether this is all a test of my patience, and if the more struggle and pain you go thru will all pay off someday...someday when we could be happy, even if it aint together...as long as your happy then thats all that matters to me. but I can't say those words to your face cus you wont understand, how I feel about the whole situation and all the feelings I didnt tell you bout, or show you, cus that aint me....cus the person I am cant let ppl in so close. and it jus seemed like maybe you were the one that I could finally open up with, but this wasnt the right time in life for both of us to find out, cus if it were meant to happen, it would've... but we held back, so it only seems right to walk away doesn't it?....not really.... I aint goin to lie, I miss her. I miss the long convos late at night, the dates in the rain, hearin her complain bout her fam,the tight hugs when it seemed like she'd squeeze her hardestand wouldn't let go,the lonely days at the movies when it was just us,sneakin around at work, the breaks we use to take together to get away from it all, where we could be ourselves..her voice, her smile..most of all her smile, cus it always changed things. how I acted around her, how my day went, my dreams, my hopes, my faith...that things would work out for the best..and eventually they will I guess.. maybe it aint the end, i dont kno..maybe thats jus wishful thinkin...I miss sleep...                                                         gnite - ya boy G

                                                                                           peace'

It's rainin outside, and I've never felt more at home then now.. it's funny to say that considerin this house is still pretty new to me and this room will probably never be like my old room.  It's weird how we never notice the suttle things in life, like how the four walls that you're so used to can be gone in a matter of days. if that makes any sense. Ramadan started a couple of days ago, and I've tried to quit smoking. it's been exactly 3 days and 2 hours since I decided to quit. At first I wanted to quit up until my birthday when I could be able to buy cigs on my own but for some reason I don't think I even want to buy them anymore.. I think faith has alot to do with it, ever since she told me it turns her off when guys smoke I've thought twice before I light one up. I guess I'm pickin her up tomorrow when she gets out of school, we'll see how that goes.. work wasn't so bad today, even tho they had a school fundraising night, and everyone said that the last one was really packed. I think the rain had a lot to do witht the turnout. My mom told me that my brothers are plannin on buying me gel for my birthday becus theres never any around and I'm always asking, they really have no idea what I want other than that, its kinda funny but I think its the thought that counts. I mean we're not really that close so how would they know what to get, I wish it wasn't that way but I have a tendency to push away the ones I really love, its weird but I guess I've always known.But its getting late, better go to sleep and catch up on some much needed dreams..I guess the rain stopped.

                                                                           -G

dang... so I guess this my return to xanga. Sorry to anyone who was anticipating my next entry, but I guess I just was too caught up in drama to look any further than my own self-restricting boundaries. A lot has changed since I last wrote, especially me, well.. unfortunately me. last time I wrote I talked about not validating the self destructive life I was leading, you would figure I would turn things around and try to better myself but...once again I find myself lost in my own addictions.  I'm not proud of the things I've done, but I don't regret them. I've learned alot since before, and I've grown quite a bit. But in my quest to find myself I've lost many people I truly cared and loved, I've burnt bridges that probably can never be brought back, but I hope they understand what I was goin through, and that I never meant to hurt anybody, and that I'm sorry for all the ignored calls, the turned backs, and cold shoulders. I'm sorry for turning into the selfish person that I became, and if I could I would do things different, but we can't turn back the hands of time and the damage is done. but for those of you who can find the compassion in their hearts to forgive me, I'd like a second chance. to start over on a new leaf. But if you believe that this is too much to ask coming from me, then forget about this entry, because it's already too late. I just ask that I be judged with no less conviction than any other man, to the ones I'm speaking to, sorry for the heartache, I never meant for anyone to get hurt, except me...

                                                                            Your boy, G

Is my writing too hard to see, dammit I gotta fix that. So Yeah Alot of Catching up to do, uhmm Merry Christmas, and Bah humbug, and Happy New Years. alot of stuff has been happening but come to think of it, its not really important enough to write about, and I'm not going to validate it by writing about drinking, sex, or smoking because I've been living a life that has just been me running away from my problems, and escaping with material and superficial things. Sometimes I second guess, and find myself a little spacing out. And I think its because of the way I've been living. I'm straying away from what I know is right, but its hard to come back. Its all my fault and I let go on too long. Even though its probably too late to graduate from Ab and birch looks like it might be entering my life soon, maybe its better this way. I gotta start over and pick up the pieces, and find myself, cus I've been running away to late, and I'm too tired to keep goin. I'll write later.

                                                                                -G

yo,.......wasup. So yeah thanksgiving was coo, good food, family, two good things at once is always a good thing, alot of goods there. aha. so yeah same ol same ol this weekend, something about parties, girls, alcohol, and weed. yeah whatever. Played some football with the crew at Fohi. Victor, drew, kiel and danny and a bunch of ppl I didnt know, played good, real fun. but yeah I've been thinkin alot. and its wierd but I realized that for a long time I've been drifting along aimlessly.  All this party stuff and .. well everything actually. Do you ever feel like when you're doing something (and I mean anything, I'm not pertaining to a certain subject) and you're good at it, and ppl or even you yourself kinda push to pursue it, just because you're good at it, but after awhile of thinkin and analyzing you reazlize maybe..it isnt you, that you kinda of compromise anyway? I feel like I'm becoming restless, like I'm tired of being Mr. popular, or party animal, or the poet, or the player, or the responsible one, or the nice guy, or the guy that never lets his emotions out, or being so tough that I dont let anything bother me , so things keep happening the way they do because I let it roll off my back, like nothings on my chest, or even percieved to be any of those things. But I'm not depressed, or mad or sad or even aggravated, but more on the lines of disappointed. Just in everything. like when bad things happen I cant let it get to me cus I feel like I cant be the one that falls apart, like I have to be strong for the other people, I have to be there standing tall with a shoulder for everyone to cry on so its all kept together, when they come to me I have to be strong cus I'm the one that helps, I'm the counselor, I'm the responsible one, I'm the leader, I'm the hero? I'm the guy people see me as cus really I don't know myself... so I feel like all this time I've been tryin to fit in and stay in and after I think I'm safe I feel like I can look for myself but it feels like its too late cus I'm so concentrated on looking for other things to make me happy, that I'm depending on other things and other people to define me that, I dont even know me for myself. so I've been searching aimlessly, looking for me, looking for what's been missing this whole time, cus no matter how happy I feel and I forget this feeling with temporary happiness that it comes back as soon as I'm not busy. I'm lost in my ways and I'm tired of running away from my fears, but I find myself still chasing dreams that I'm not even sure were my dreams in the first place...

yo Allah please save me from the crowd, cus I don't want to be there, be here anymore, with these people, in this place, where it feels like my life is supposed to take place. Take me away from these distractions from my true course in life. And please help me find my true course in life, because I'm becoming restless and straying away from the path as everyday goes by. Help me find me, Help me find my worth, help me find you, help me find her, help me find me, help me find truth, help me find freedom, away from the crowd, away from here and to me.

cus everyday I wake up I tell myself, this cant be what life is, this cant be all there is to it, I don't want to be apart of the plan, I dont want to feel like I have to be, I want to feel love, life, hope, dream, and see everything unconditionally, without fear, without obligation, help me find me, before they tell me what I'm supposed to be...and I believe it..